Or The Piggy Gets It!
by GrimmZ
Summary: Shizune must comply with the demands of Tobi and Deidara after they kidnap TonTon . . . too bad their demands are all really stupid!
1. Tonton’s Abduction!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Naruto.

**(do as we say) Or The Piggy Gets It!  
****Chapter One  
****Tonton's Abduction! **

"All right Deidara-senpai, I can do this, I'm all over this!" Tobi saluted.

"You dont know what we're doing yet." Deidara pointed out, and Tobi deflated.

"It's something to do with Konoha, right?" Tobi asked, eagerly pointing to that village in the distance.

"Something like that . . . yeah." Deidara said, inspecting a finger nail. "Here's what I'm gonna do . . . I'm going to distract the Hokage's little assisstant, you go into her appartment and snatch her little pig, okay?"

"As orderd Deidara-chan!"

"And don't call me that."

"Sorry Deidara-kun!"

"You can't complete your mission if you're dead . . . yeah." Deidara warned.

Tobi held his tongue for a moment, what was he supposed to call Deidara then? Deidara Sir? Maybe mister Deidara? Mrs. Deidara? To be totally honest he wasn't really sure what the heck Deidara was, it seemed rude to ask. Was she a kind of flat chested girl with a few rough edges, or was he just an abnormally soft featured young man with long hair . . . Deidara only let him get away with something three times (or less) so if he didn't guess right this time he'd get hurt . . .

"I'll do what you want, Deidara-sama!"

Deidara's eye twitched but she . . . or he, whatever, seemed willing to accept that, and flew off on a clay bird.

Tobi blazed a trail through the forest to the village hidden in leaves . . .

------

In the privacy of her own home Shizune, assistant of the Hokage could do anything she liked, live out her wildest fantasies, enjoy her most forbidden of dreams and please herself with the most base of things.

Like a dancing pig.

The heck were _you_ thinking of?

Little Tonton was so cute when she danced around in her little jig, Shizune laughed merrily and clapped her hands as her beloved pet jigged about the room, and who the heck knew why?

Maybe Tonton was uncomfortable in its pearl necklace, maybe it didn't like the fancy red vest it wore, why the heck did people put clothes on their pets?

Well Shizune did it so that Tonton could look her best of course, the greatest pig in the world deserved to look good damn it!

And it didn't matter what anyone else said, because she was _not_ an over indulgent pet owner!

And who cared if she was, because there was no stinking man in her life to actually handle those little issues that women have from time to time so all that energy that could have been wasted on her own children if some guy would just freakin' commit had to be directed towards the adorable little pig Tonton and . . .

Well anyway needless to say young Shizune loved her little pig.

She'd do anything for Tonton, she'd walk through fire, or water, be ripped appart by angry cats, explode in a brilliant blaze of fire and then be trampled to nothingness and she would still arrive at home in time to give Tonton her dinner.

Because that was love, baby!

That's right she was totally all for this pig, she'd do anything because she'd make a darn fine mother if that bastard would just call her back one of these days and-oh crap she was late for work!

"Bye Tonton!" Shizune cried and she rushed out the door.

The pig jigged around for a few more minutes, then realzied no one was going to take it outside for its walk this morning and cossed its legs.

Which didn't help, Shizune would have some cleaning to do by the window when she got home.

Oh well. Wasn't Tonton's problem, and she'd never have to worry about being badly scolded because she was a spoiled little piggy and she knew it.

------

Deidara watched Tobi advance on the appartment of the Hokage's assisstant.

Yeah . . . Deidara really didn't have any intention of creating a diversion. The assassin just sat back in a tree, hands behind head relaxing waiting to see whether or not Tobi could get past the village's security.

------

Tobi climbed up the wall, laboring hard to accomplish his task and please Deidara-senpai!

If Deidara was a girl maybe she'd like him and think he was cool, and if Deidara was a boy maybe they could be buddies!

Whatever . . . so long as he stopped getting blown up Tobi would be happy.

He finally reached the window and fell in.

Wow, he hadn't thought about how dangerous that could have been, he could have broken his neck or something . . . good thing he landed in something soft and warm . . . something sure smelled bad though.

He got up and looked around, "Little pig, little pig?" Tobi called. He made a clicking sound and rubbed his fingers together, the pig didn't show.

"Here piggy pig piggy, here boy!" Tobi sighed and gave up. Deidara was going to blow him up again, he just knew it.

So he'd die on a full stomach, he went into the fridge.

Wow! There was some great stuff here, he would totally just chow down and never mind if Deidara got mad because he'd be so happy he'd be able to sound the grumpy assassin right out!

There was chocolate, and ice cream, and chocolate ice cream and lots of ten second ramen cups and a sushi plate that looked like it'd been last night's dinner, and milk too, Tobi hadn't had milk in a long time!

He reached into the fridge and heard an enraged squeal, with a scream of "BUKEE!" A weird kind of pinkish ball slammed into him!

Tobi fell back with a grunt, still holding the carton of milk, he looked at his arm-which really hurt-and saw the little pig had latched onto it and was biting his wrist like there was no tomorrow.

The he noticed the writing on top of the carton of milk, it said "Tonton's Special Piggylixer (for bright eyes and soft skin)"

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know it was yours!" Tobi said, releasing the milk and in turn being released by the pig, which ripped the top off of the carton with it's sharp teeth and began to drink like mad.

Tobi snuck back over to the fridge and stole some chocolate, shoving it into his black and red Akatsuki coat he then shut the door and was about to leave.

Oh wait! He'd found the pig!

He went back to grab the little devil, but it sensed his return and growled.

He took a step back. Did piggies growl?

His mommy never told him about growling piggies, so what the heck? He began to back away slowly.

It was too late.

"Help me Deidara-sama!" He screamed as the pig leapt after him, biting him in the back, they both went down!

They rolled on the ground, Tobi tried to claw his way back to the window but Tonton had him by the ankle and was dragging him away, dragging him away to who knows were! That evil pig!

Tobi clawed more furiously in his attempt at freedom, he kicked his legs wildly, unwittingly hitting Tonton in the head several times until the pig went unconcious.

Tobi crawled and screamed a bit more, then calmed down, looked back at the pig and realized what he'd done.

"All right! I'm so awesome! Did you see Deidara-sama? Oh wait, Deidara-sama is creating a distraction . . . ha, gotcha pig, now you're coming with me!"

Tobi walked over to the little pig he'd knocked unconcious and felt a little bad, "Oh I'm sorry piggy, I didn't mean it!" He cried, hugging the little pig.

It bit him.

Little punk.

He shoved it into his coat and leapt out the window . . . then remembered he was rather high up.

He waited expectantly for one of Deidara-sama's big clay birds to swoop in and rescue him, but it didn't happen.

Deidara-senpai must be a guy, women are more dependable.

Tobi flapped his arms in his own attempt to fly and through dumb luck caught a tree branch before he fell to his death.

He got up and ran like mad for the city gate.

------

Deidara had fallen asleep in the tree.

The Akatsuki member woke when that annoying newbie, Tobi started shaking the tree trunk, "Oh no, they _got _Deidara-senpai! I'm alone behind enemy lines and I can't find my way home!"

Deidara fell out of the tree and slowly, calmly counted to ten.

Cool villains didn't lose their tempers over such silly things . . . yeah.

"I got the piggy, Deidara-sama!" Tobi said proudly, handing his superior the unconcious pig.

"Uh . . . good. Now I guess we'll just wait for . . . did you fall in a pile of crap?" Deidara suddenly asked. There was a stain on Tobi's chest and he smelled like . . . well, you know.

Tobi looked down and said, "Naw, my chocolate's probably melting! Here Deidara-chan, I got some for you too!" Tobi said, handing Deidara some chocolate.

The assassin took it with an uncertain hand. What was on Tobi's coat sure didn't _smell_ like chocolate . . . "Thanks . . . yeah. But I already told you not to call me that!" Deidara said, and flicked a tiny bit of explosive clay at the masked member of Akatsuki.

Tobi blew up again, and lay twitching in a small crater while Deidara scooped up the pig and held it close, "Now go deliver this ransome note. Don't read it because if you do it'll blow up . . . yeah." Deidara said.

Tobi got up and grabbed the note and ran off. There was a not so distant explosion and Tobi came trudging back.

"You tried to read it?"

"Yes." Tobi said.

"What did we learn?" Deidara asked.

"Always listen to Deidara-senpai." Tobi said, and Deidara could almost hear him pouting.

Deidara sighed and wrote a new self destructing ransome note.

------

When Shizune got home she dropped her bag and stared at her appartment!

It was like a war zone!

There were claw marks on the ground as if a lion had been trapped inside, there was a pile of pig feces by the window, her fridge was open and Tonton's special milk was laying on the ground ripped open, and stuck in her wall by a kunai knife was a picture of herself and Tonton, along with a note.

It read:

_Dear assisstant of the Fifth Hokage of Konoha. Greetings._

_We have your little pig and if you want to see her again you will do as we tell you, when we tell you, how we tell you, in the outfit we tell you to do it in, in whatever weather we tell you to do it in! Give in to our demands and your piggy will be well taken care of. Fail to do so, defy us in any way, report us to the authorities . . . and the piggy gets it._

A little further down, in different and rather messy handwriting was another note,

**_P.S. I stole some chocolate, hope you don't mind I just hardly ever get to have any and I couldn't resist. Love Tobi!_** and there was a little heart on the bottom.

Shizune stared at the paper in disbelief for a moment, then flipped it over.

_P.S. This message will self destruct five seconds from the time you put it down . . . yeah._

So she dropped it, and it did.

When the smoke settled Shizune ran to her window and screamed, "No, Tonton, my baby!"

Well she'd do anything, _anything_ to get her Tonton back . . . no matter what it took!

------

Deidara felt pretty good about how the day had went until Tobi, who'd been assinged to holding the pig after it bit Deidara so many times, and was now being bit by the pig in turn asked "Deidara-senpai, what are we going to make that girl do to get her piggy back?"

Deidara frowned. "I dunno." The assassin finally decided.

"But it's your plan!" Tobi protested.

"Tobi, a cool villain can make up plans as they go along."

"Oh . . . I understand Deidara-sama!" Tobi said, saluting.

Deidara yawned. The young artist would think of something for Shizune to do tomorrow.

**To Be Continued . . .**


	2. Psychotic Piggy

**(leave a review) Or The Piggy Gets It!**

**Chapter Two**

**Psychotic Piggy, Tonton's Attempted Escape!**

Deidara and Tobi were sitting around a fire eating dinner.

It was disgusting trail rations, to make matters worse Tobi wouldn't shut up.

"Deidara-senpai, do you think we'll ever get along?" Tobi asked.

"We're getting along right now . . . yeah." Deidara sighed.

"When I get married would you rather be my best man, or the maid of honor?"

"You mean if I even show up? Well I'd rather not be either, I'll be the person in the back row who sneaks out when no one's looking . . . yeah."

Tobi mumbled "drat, evaded it, Deidara-senpai is good" and Deidara was inclined to agree. Wasn't sure what'd just been evaded though. But it was a fact that Deidara was good . . . at least Deidara thought so.

"Deidara-senpai, do you think girls would like me?" Tobi tried.

"Tobi . . . you wear a mask all the time, you probably wear it to sleep, girls cant see whether or not you're good looking so they'll think you're creepy and won't bother to approach you. Your only chance with a girl is to talk to her but unfortunately your'e an idiot, so talking is also counterproductive for you." Deidara said sagely.

Tobi punched the ground, "evaded and insulted, Deidara-senpai is _good_!" the masked member of Akatsuki whispered to himself.

"Tobi, why don't you go check on the pig?" Deidara suggested.

"I can't." Tobi said.

"Why not?"

"It's dark . . . I'm scared." Tobi said, looking away from Deidara.

The assassin's eyes narrowed, "You're scared of the dark? You, of all people, a member of Akatsuki aspiring to be a cool villain . . . are scared of the dark?"

"I'm scared of that pig in the dark, Deidara-senpai." Tobi said. He turned back to Deidara, "Will you come with me to check on it?"  
Deidara looked at the bowl of disgusting food and decided there really wasn't any reason not to indulge the childish Tobi this one time . . . plus the Akatsuki artist was kind of bored.

"Fine." Deidara said.

"And would you hold my hand?" Tobi asked.

"Tobi . . . it's time we discussed certain _boundaries_ . . . yeah. I'm _not_ going to hold your hand."

"What if I was falling off of a cliff and the only thing you could reach was my hand?" Tobi asked.

"I'd wave as you went down . . . yeah." Deidara decided.

They travled for a distance and suddenly Tobi screamed, "WAH! I'm falling Deidara-sama!" and he fell back and slid down the hillside, Deidara lunged forward, stretched forth a hand and grabbed Tobi's.

The one armed bandit yanked the masked marauder up and threw him against the wall, "That was a pretty stupid thing to do!"

"But I proved you wrong, and we held hands." Tobi pointed out.

The artist's eyes narrowed, "That it, I'm getting a new partner, you creep me out . . . yeah. You've got some serious issues, Tobi." Deidara said.

"Aww don't be that way Deidara-sama, I was only kidding." Tobi said.

Deidara scoffed, it didn't really matter, everyone in Akatsuki was screwed up, some less so than Tobi but others moreso.

The two assassins went over to the little cage where they'd left the pig, it was sleeping soundly. "Okay Tobi, you stay here with the pig and in the dead of night I'll go deliver the next note to the Hokage's little apprentice."

"As ordered Deidara-senpai . . . wait you're leaving me alone with the piggy?"

"You'll be fine Tobi, you're a member of Akatsuki now." Deidara assured him. "If you get scared you can hold the pig's hand."

"But it's the piggy that scares me!" Tobi protested but Deidara summoned a clay bird and flew away.

------

Tobi watched his boss fly off and took a seat.

Okay, so Deidara was probably a guy because a girl wouldnt think it was creepy to hold someone's hand.

But then again Deidara had said that girls found Tobi creepy so . . .

Man there was just no telling. It wasn't that Tobi had a crush on Deidara, because he most certainly didn't, but he _was_ curious and willing to bet that such knowledge was sought after by all the members of Akatsuki, who were all likely too polite to ask their questionable friend if he was really a guy or if she was really a girl.

He sat down and mumbled something to himself, and even he didn't know what it was he'd said.

No wait, he hadn't said anything! It must be the piggy!

He turned around, the piggy was still asleep . . . okay.

He was kind of sleepy too . . . dinner had been terrible and it made him so sad he wanted to just go to sleep.

He began to nod off . . . and mumbled something.

No, piggy mumbled something! He looked at the piggy, it was . . . it was gone!

There were holes in the bars of the cage they'd made out of bamboo . . . curses, Tobi had told Deidara-senpai they'd need something stronger!

He looked around desperately . . . tentaively he called out "Here piggy, pig, piggy . . . please come back to your cage . . ."

Suddenly he heard a sound behind him, he looked and saw nothing, then he was being choked!

He put his hands to his neck and felt several balls . . . no pearls! The pig was strangling him with its pearl necklace!

Tobi fell to his knees, "Uck! Uck! 'Elp me! Uck!"

Everything was going dark, so he was dying right?

Wait no, it was already dark so he was okay.

But he couldnt breathe so he wasnt really okay.

What would Zetsu-sama do in a situation like this?

Tobi tried to use the giant venus fly trap that surrounded him to chomp down on the piggy.

It didn't work because Tobi, unlike Zetsu, was not surrounded by a giant venus fly trap . . . he'd have to remember that next time he thought of using Zetsu as an example.

Thanks a lot Zetsu-sama, fat lot of help _you_ were!

Tobi instead gripped the pearls and pulled forward, the piggy who lacked opposable thumbs and should never have been able to sneak up behind him then choke him with the pearl necklace shot forwrd into the back of Tobi's head.

Both ended up on the ground, the piggy grunting and rubbing its nose, and Tobi groaning and rubbing the back of his head.

But Tonton recovered first and sprang for the assassin!

Tobi kicked up off the ground and the pig barreled into a tree, he landed on all fours and sprang forward towards the pig!

The piggy rolled to the side and Tobi slammed his head into the same tree!

"Ouch! Deidara-senpai where are you? This is no _ordinary_ little piggy!" Tobi whined.

The piggy knew better than to bite down on Tobi's ankle and drag him off so instead this time Tonton bit down on Tobi's coat at the collar and dragged him away and Tobi was beginning to get the impression that Tonton meant to drag him off to some dark secluded corner and eat him.

Man if he didn't get his act together they'd kick him out and let the pig join Akatsuki! He rolled over and then threw himself back, smashing the piggy, the piggy let go.

Tobi rolled over again and got to his feet, he stomped on the angry piggy until it went unconcious, then he grabbed the bamboo cage, threw the piggy in, threw his coat around it, grabbed his belt and tied it off, took the pearl necklace and tied it off, kicked it and then felt bad.

He rushed over, took off the belt and put it back on himself, took off the necklace and did not put it on himself, removed his coat from the cage, put it on himself and opened the cage, reaching for the piggy.

"I'm so sorry little piggy, I didn't mean to get so angry, I'm sorry!" Tobi said . . .

But the cage was empty.

"Son of a**_--_**" The criminal groaned and then he was hit in the back of the head by an enraged little piggy.

How was he going to get out of this one? "Help me Deidara-senpai!"

------

Shizune came home after a long hard day.

Hard indeed but not so hard as losing her precious baby, her little piglet pal, her adorable little Tonton!

Coming home reminded her of the whole affair and she wailed pitiously, "Oh Tonton! Mommy will get you back! I promise! WAHAHAH!" And she ran off into the kitchen to do what all women do when they're sad and depressed.

Eat.

But there was someone in there, he looked at her and scoffed, "Don't you have anything to eat? Instant cup noodles? Two day old sushi? Tobi said you had ice cream!"

"I ate all the ice cream after you guys stole my Tonton-hey wait a minute, you're that evil villain who stole my Tonton!"

"Yup. And if you ever want to see Tonton again . . . bring me some ice cream . . . and . . . and I guess get some for Tobi too, even if he is starting to creep me out."

"Uh . . . what kind?"

"Do I look like I care, woman? I've been living in the _woods_ with some masked moron who probably got dropped on the head too many times as a child, just get some ice cream or the piggy gets it!"

And so Shizune ran off as fast as she could to fetch ice cream.

------

When Deidara got back to camp the sight awaiting the artist was . . . well awful!

"Oh my gosh. Tobi . . . you have to die."

Tobi was laying unconcious on the ground, the pig was next to him, an open bottle between them, and a thuroughly demolished countryside around them.

"TOBI!" Deidara screamed.

"Snrk-eh? What? What? I'm up!" Tobi groaned and got up.

"What happened here?" Deidara demanded.

"The piffy, it got loosh, and I had to fight it back into ze cage, but ish didn't have a cage cause it ated the cage so wesh come back here and found this sucky bokkle."

"Nuh-nuh-nuh-no, you did not just tell me you found a bottle and drank it! Tobi you little . . . that's not sake you idiot!"

"Tashes like alcohol. It made ze piffy shtop killing me."

"It's alcohol . . . for explosives! Tell me you didn't eat the-well if you did you'll be dead by morning, I guess we'll find out."

"What? Save me Deidara-senpai!" Tobi cried, got to his feet, tried to run to Deidara and tripped over himself, groaned and snarted to snore.

Deidara kicked him and he woke up again. The assassin threw a carton of ice cream down in front of Tobi, "Here, liberated from Konoha."

"Thanksh. You're my buddy. All three of yesh." Tobi said.

"You're not much of a drinker, are you?" Deidara scoffed.

"Nope! Tobi is a gud boy!" The masked marauder said and he stared at the box.

"Well then good boy, eat it." Deidara said. "I'm not feeding you."

Tobi stared at the carton for a while more then whined, "I dont wunna 'splode!"

"I was just kidding Tobi, it was sake. Eat the damn ice cream."

"Where'd Deidara-senpai get sake?" Tobi asked.

"In the land of none of your damn business." Deidara said.

"Tobi wanna go there . . ."

"When you grow up." Deidara said offhandedly. Didnt really know how old Tobi was, didnt really care, there was no such place after all.

"Deidara-senpai, ish you a gurl? Or ish you a gud boy like me?"

Deidara's eye twitched, "Tobi . . . it is so important to your survival that you just stop talking."

Tobi yawned. "Thash not an answer."

"Fine, I'll tell you!" Deidara groaned.

And the one armed assassin did indeed tell Tobi.

But then Tobi fell asleep and the next morning didnt even remember asking the question, let alone the answer . . . and his ice cream had melted.

**To Be Continued!**


	3. Hokage's Hot Sauce!

**(Don't Do Drugs) Or The Piggy Gets It**

**Chapter Three**

**Hokage's "hot sauce"**

**------**

Shizune frowned when she read the ransom note . . .

_To whom it may concern . . ._

_I, Deidara of the organization Akatsuki, hereafter reffered to as "red cloud awesomeness" would like to congratulate you on being one of our few living victims, you deserve a pat on the back. Do allow yourself five seconds to do so . . . right now._

_Anyway it has come to our attention that you have close ties to the Hokage, you will bring us a bottle of her finest hot sauce, and when I say hot sauce I do indeed mean hot sauce, the hottest she's got, understand? Anything that'll get the taste of trail rations out of one's mouth, or come in handy when disciplinning an annoying newbie who never shuts up._

_Remember, hot sauce. Just bring us some hot sauce, that's all we ask . . . for now._

_Sincerely, Deidara of The Red Cloud Awesomeness._

So obviously this meant that he wanted some of Tsunade sama's best liquor, since hot sauce was slang for alcohol, Shizune had heard.

So Shizune set out

**------**

"Okay Deidara-senpai, I know I messed up with the piggy last night, but I'll make it up to you, I'll deliver the ransom note without reading it this time!" Tobi saluted

"You mean the one I took care of last night?" Deidara scoffed.

"Uh . . . okay . . . I can pick up the ransome."

"Shut up."

"Yes ma'am."

"Tobi . . ."

"Yes sir?"

"Tobi!"

". . ."

"I told you last night!" Deidara groaned.

"You did?" Tobi sounded shocked.

"I did . . . twice . . . yeah." Deidara said.

"Well they say the third time's the charm." Tobi pointed out.

Deidara groaned again. "I'm not dealing with this. Tobi you're just going to have to figure it out on your own."

"All right, I'm sorry Deidara-senpai." Tobi said, gaze downcast.

"It's alright I guess . . . yeah." Deidara shrugged.

"So Deidara-senpai, while we're waiting for the ransom any idea what we should do to pass time?" Tobi asked.

"Not really." Deidara shrugged again.

"Y'know what I hear Konoha has these great public baths."

"Y'know I've heard that too . . . yeah" Deidara admitted.

"Let's go take a bath together." Tobi said.

"Oh sure!" Deidara said with excitement, "Then we'll ride on a rainbow and play with all the happy little singing animals, right?" Deidara scoffed, and scowled at Tobi, "Never gonna freakin' happen. Cool villains don't take baths with each other . . . yeah."

"Well we can be super heroes then." Tobi said with a laugh.

"Tobi . . . you're _really_ not cut out for this line of work, are you?" Deidara demanded.

"What do you mean Deidara-chan?" Tobi asked.

"Tobi!" Deidara warned.

"Deidara-kun?" Tobi tried.

Deidara was already forging a little explosive birdie.

"San! Senpai! Sama! Sir! Ma'am! Missus! Mister! Mistress! It's "mistress" isn't it? It is! I know it-no master! Master! WAH!" Tobi screamed as that tiny little finch sized clay bird exploded, sending him flying about fifty feet into the air.

"Keep it up and I'll need a new partner . . . yeah." Deidara said after jogging over to where Tobi had landed.

"Sorry . . . Deidara-senpai." Tobi groaned, and then he decided to take a nap and fell asleep.

Or he slipped out of conciousness, whatever. Either way he was finally quiet so Deidara sat down on a log and decided to see if Tobi had left any sake the night before.

What the one armed member of Akatsuki wouldn't give for more ice cream. Man it was hot though, "Maybe," Deidara thought out loud, "we should have told the pig woman to get us a fan . . . hey speaking of the pig, where'd it go?"

With a sigh Deidara realized the pig had somehow escaped. The one armed bandit blamed the masked marauder thuroughly and started kicking Tobi in the stomach and shouting at him until he woke up.

------

Shizune reached into the cupboard, aiming for Tsunade's finest, oldest wine.

Nothing was too good for her Tonton's sake!

"Shizune!" The fifth screamed, "What are you doing?"

Shizune gasped, "I was uh-that is I just needed . . . Hokage-sama, I need some booze." Shizune said.

Tsunade stared at her, "Can't you buy your own?"

"It has to be yours. Your finest. Something to remove the taste of trail rations from one's mouth. Also it must be good enough to shut up whiney subordinates."

"Oh then you'll just want some of these pills, I always slip them into your drink when you get too fussy."

"Yeah that's--wait you do what?" Shizune gapped.

"Ever wonder why you always get so relaxed even when I'm mad at you?"

"Uh, no I hadn't wondered but now that you mention it I always do tend to be in a good mood even if your mad at . . . oh . . . you monster!" Shizune gapsed.

"Just put two of these in your drink and even water will taste like wine . . . and you'll totally be makin' with the love."  
"What?" Shizune demanded.

"Makin' with the love. Y'know, getting laid." Tsunade shrugged.

"That was because of you too?" Shizune demanded.

"Well I hope it wasn't _always_ because of me. But most of the time, yeah. I _am_ your master." Tsunade shrugged. "Uh, mistress . . . master . . . well your teacher anyhow."

"Are you drunk?" Shizune asked.

"Never you mind girl, never you mind." Tsunade scoffed.

"Tsunade-sama, can I please have some liquer? No pills . . . just the booze?"

"Oh fine killjoy." The older woman pouted and Shizune made a mental note to be careful what she drank around her Hokage from now on.

Shizune grabbed the alcohol and bowed in thanks, she then dashed off . . . then came back. "I'll take some pills too." She decided.

"Hah, I knew you couldnt resist their allure."

"They're not for me!" Shizune cried honestly, "I just . . . y'know . . . I've got a date later this week."

Tsunade handed Shizune the pills.

Haha, she'd show those evil piggynappers now . . . once she drugged them and made them all . . . weird . . . she'd save Tonton and beat the snot out of them!

Of course they might still fight back so "Tsunade-sama, do you have anything to induce sleep?" Better to kill a sleeping opponent.

"Eh?" Tsunade reached down into her shirt and fished around between her massive watermelon sized knockers and eventually turned up a little bottle, she took a few pills out and held them out to Shizune, then withdrew them quickly, "Wait a minute, you're using these for medicinal purposes right?"

"Of course Hokage-sama, I've got . . . I've got a patient with insomnia, I just need these to help him go to sleep." Shizune said. To herself she though 'an eternal sleep, the piggy stealing monster!'

Tsunade hesitated before handing her assisstant the drugs. "Be careful, those kick in fast."

"You sound as if you speak from experience."

"Not _personal_ experience, but I _am_ the finest doctor in the land . . . and sometimes I just really, really want Jiraiya to shut up."

"Understood Hokage-sama." Shizune nodded, and she left.

------

"Tobi get up and find the pig . . . yeah." Deidara commanded.

Tobi groaned. Deidara-senpai had better have a good reason for kicking him in the stomach like that because now he'd just been reminded of how hungry he was. He grumbled "you're a jerk . . . yeah" mocking his senior villain under his breath and got up. "Deidara senpai why do I have to find the piggy myself?"  
"You lost him." Deidara said simply. "Besides, I'm very tired."

"Is it that time of the month?" Tobi qurried, perhaps this explained his senpai's overly aggressive attitude.

Deidara was shaking when he or she answered "Tobi . . . I need you if I'm going to accomplish this mission . . . so I won't kill you right now. Find the piggy . . . and don't you ever accuse me of even _having _a "that time of the month" again or I'll acurately accuse you of having fewer _arms_ than I do . . . yeah."

"You've only got one good one, senpai." Tobi pointed out.

"So what's less than one?" Deidara asked through gritted teeth and with a raised eyebrow.

Tobi frowned at her or him, Deidara sure was mean. Tobi might be naieve but he wasn't stupid . . . no wait he wasn't really naieve either . . . no sir he was a good boy, Zetsu-san kept telling him so.

Good boys were smart.

So he knew immediately that if he were to have fewer arms than Deidara he'd have three, and he didn't need that extra limb in his life messing him up all the time. He set out after the piggy.

But Deidara had said that he or she needed Tobi . . . needed . . . was that like female slang for "let's do it" because if it was Tobi decided he'd better just keep going even if he found the piggy, the mere idea of sleeping with Deidara was more troubling than the idea of having a third arm.

So when the piggy leapt out of its ambush area and bit down on Tobi's right calf he screamed "I don't wanna make love to Deidara-senpai! You can't make me!" and ran off into the distance as fast as he could.

------

Deidara arrived at Shizune's appartment after making sure there were no Anbu lying around secretly.

The S ranked criminal promptly raided the fridge and finished off the now quite old sushi, but then got hungry again shortly thereafter and went back for a few fast food ketchup packets.

Eventually Deidara grabbed some of Tonton's squeaky toys and started reinacting a rather traumatic love affair that had happened some years back. "Oh baby, dont you know I love you? I'd do anything for you . . . yeah." Deidara spoke for a squeaky bone.

"But you have mouths in your freakin' palms . . . yeah . . . it's gross, I can't marry you." A squeaky shoe replied with a slightly altered version of Deidara's own voice.

"But if you won't marry me I'll die inside . . . and join an evil organization bent on destroying the world . . . yeah." The bone said to the shoe.

"Oh my love . . . I do love you, and I will marry you after all . . . yeah. Let's fly away and have lots of beautiful children and raise them to be upright citizens who contribute to charities and never get their arms ripped off . . . yeah." The shoe gasped.

"Oh baby . . . yeah." The squeaky bone advanced on the shoe.

"Oh my dear Deidara . . . yeah." The shoe threw itself at the bone, and then there was some squeaking sounds as the two chew toys . . . well never you mind. Deidara wasn't really sure where this game was going either, the real event hadn't ended like that.

There'd been . . . fireworks . . . but not the positive kind that these toys were enjoying.

"What the heck are you doing with my Tonton's toys?" Shizune screamed.

"Eh! You're back! It's about time . . . yeah." Deidara quickly dropped Tonton's squeaky toys, "The uh . . . the pig requested I make sure they still squeak!" The member of Akatsuki cried defensively.

Shizune glared at the rogue stone nin before finally handing over a bottle of wine.

"Here . . . just take it . . . and give back my Tonton!"

"What is this?" Deidara demanded, "This is wine . . . I told you to bring us hot sauce . . . yeah! What am I going to do with wine?"  
"You mean you wanted actual hot sauce?" Shizune looked stunned.

"Uh yeah . . . yeah." Deidara scoffed.

"Well . . . you can drink it . . . right now . . . and tell me where my Tonton is." Shizune pointed out.

"No, no way." Deidara scoffed, not only did the one armed bandit not know where the stupid pig was, the Hokage's little assistant had failed to actually bring the proper ransome. Deidara thought quickly, darn it was hot . . . that's it!

"If you want your piggy back you're going to have to bring us what we ask you for . . . we want a fan. A big fan. A really big fan. Something to fight off this heat wave . . . yeah. A great big cooling fan, that's what we need. Bring us that and we might give you your piggy. Fail us again and the piggy gets it!" Deidara said, then leapt out of the window and quickly forged a bird and flew away all cool like.

Yeah . . . Tobi just didn't get the whole cool villain thing . . . luckily Deidara did.

After all, how could the Hokage's assisstant mess up on this simple request? Bring a fan, it was simple, what could go wrong?

**To Be Continued . . .**


	4. Fanboys!

**(Update Regularly) Or The Piggy Gets It!**

**Chapter Four**

**Fanboys!**

"So Deidara-senpai . . . I'm just wondering . . ." Tobi was saying as he attached a leash to the pig. "Why do I have to give the piggy a walk?"

"Because you're expendable . . . yeah." Deidara said.

"But . . . as the senpai you should be more capable in this field." Tobi said.

"Tobi . . . I've got one arm. If I were attacked while walking the pig I'd have to let the leash go in order to defend myself. You can use your super One Hit KO Jutsu with one hand."

"I can?" Tobi blinked, "Well okay then! You got it Dei-chan!"

"The heck did you just call me?" Deidara demanded, fist clenched.

"Blow me up and you damage the piggy!" Tobi warned.

Deidara scoffed, "Think you're clever eh?"

"Not at all Deidara-sama, I just think you can unleash your unhealthy violent rage at a later date." Tobi said, scratching his heaad. "Why, did I say something clever?"

"No, more like incredibly stupid." Deidara said, making a little explosive birdie. The one armed ninja threw in a "yeah."

"Is that really necessary, senpai?" Tobi asked.

"Oh it's on . . . yeah! You practically challenged me with that little comment of yours!"

"Uh . . . please Deidara-sama, remember the piggy! Y-you don't have to prove anything to me!" Tobi pleaded.

"It's cool of you to say . . . yeah. But we're Akatsuki, so I've got a load to prove! Here goes!"

"I regret nothing!" Tobi cried as the little Boom-Boom Birdie zoomed in on his face and blasted him back ten feet.

"Hah . . . hah . . . you sure are amazing Deidara-sama." Tobi grumbled, lying on the ground about ten feet away from the piggy.

Luckily it was a long leash and the pig didn't get away. It _did _charge at and begin to assault Tobi's hand.

"This is fun, let's see how much you can take!" Deidara said, whipping out a flight of Boom-Boom Birdies.

Yeah . . . life was hard but every now and then it was . . . good.

Tobi was fun, he just would die . . . yeah.

* * *

Shizune took a long sip from her canteen.

The desert was a dry place, but that was where Sunagakure, the Village Hidden in Sand was.

That's where the biggest fan she knew of could be found.

She fastened her goggles, tightened the straps on her fifty pound pack, she was so totally ready to set out on the three day trek.

"For Tonton, for justice, for freedom and for fans!" Shizune cried.

"Hey Temari!" Nara Shikamaru said.

"Hi!" The blond woman waved.

"The heck are you doing here?" Yamanaka Ino screamed.

"What? I'm uh . . . here for the Chuunin exams." Temari said. "Shika-kun and I are working together, I'm uh . . . a go-between."

"Still?" Ino demanded.

"Yeah." Temari said.

"Jeez Ino . . . calm down." Chouji said. "It's not like you even like Shikmaru . . . right?"

"Shaddap, Chouji! And you, hussy, why'd you call him Shika-kun?" Ino demanded.

"Doesn't matter." Temari said. "We're not the focus in this story."

"The hell we're not!" Ino cried, "Hey wait . . . what story? What are you talking about?"

Shizune would have listened to more of the idiotic teenage bull crap. Except, oh yeah, she didn't give a damn!

What she did care about . . . was Temari's fan.

So she figured . . . yeah. She had to get that away from that girl.

Luckily Temari was blond and therefore stupid, just like Tsunade-sama, Ino, Naruto, and Gai.

Shizune cracked her knuckles . . . she wouldn't need to go all the way to Suna if she could nab Temari's fan.

After all, it was pretty darn big, and it was perfectly capable of fighting off anything, heat waves or what have you.

"Hey Shizune-san, why are you all dressed up?" Ino asked, spotting her.

"Never you mind child, never you mind!" Shizune cried, "Go back to your stupid squabbling!"

"Yes ma'am!" Ino cried, then turned on Temari, "You just keep your distance girl, you're eighteen now so if you do anything with Shikamaru it'll be rape!"

"But I . . . I'm really just a go between for the villages." Temari said.

"See that it stays that way!" Ino snapped.

"Not that I'm intimidated by you in the least--you lower tier Chuunin--but okay." The older girl shrugged.

"Yeah. This is just business." Shikamaru said. "So Temari, where do you want to go for our meeting?"

"How about that new romantic restaurant you told me about?" Temari asked, winking at Ino.

"Sounds good, let's go." Shikamaru said, similarly winking at Ino as he and Temari set off holding hands.

"What the heck?" Ino demanded.

"Uh . . . could just be business." Chouji said.

"Alright. The bee-yotch is goin' down!" Ino cried.

"I'm still wondering why you care." Chouji said.

"I don't!" Ino screamed.

"Well then do you want to go out?" Chouji asked.

"Heck no! I mean yes! Yes I do! Let's go to that romantic restaurant!"

"Uh . . . you're just going to spy on Shikamaru, aren't you?" Chouji sighed.

"Yea-no! No I'm not! Let's go!" Ino cried.

"Look, forget it. If you're just going because of Shikamaru you can go alone." Chouji said.

"Fine! Be that way! I don't need you!" Ino cried.

"I'll go!" Shizune cried suddenly.

Ino stared at her.

Boy had that been stupid.

"I uh . . . I have a plan. To help you out. Y'know, one medic-nin to another. We've gotta stick together. So . . . let's get this blond bimbo!"

"_I'm _blond!" Ino squealed.

"Uh . . . yes, but you're not a bimbo?" Shizune offered.

"Well said, let's roll!" Ino cried.

* * *

Deidara sat atop a tree branch watching some morons do . . . stuff.

"Hey, those look like those guys that took out Sasori-sama!" Tobi said, climbing up to Deidara's branch.

Deidara gapped, "Tobi, what the heck are you doing in my tree?"

"You're always in trees Deidara-senpai, I wanted to see what was so great about it." Tobi said as he clung to the branch for dear life.

Deidara _could _help him. But why bother? In fact, "Tobi, where's the pig?" Deidara asked.

"Eh? What?" Tobi cried in surprise when suddenly the little pig leapt from out of nowhere and latched onto his back and began to viciously attack him!

"Ahh! Ahh! I found the piggy, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi cried as he fell out of the tree.

Deidara snickered. "Heh-heh . . . loser. Yeah . . ."

But the rogue ninja stared at the group that Tobi had indicated. That sure was the bunch of slime balls that took out Sasori.

Deidara didn't really care since there had never been a great deal of love lost between the two artists, _however_ . . . that guy with the mask had been the one to dice up Deidara's arm.

The Akatsuki member glowered, "Bet you wouldn't be so cool without that mask . . . yeah." Deidara said.

* * *

"So the Lord of the Land of Wind refuses to allow Suna Genin to participate unless you can guarantee that there won't be a repeat of last year."

"Yes, Hokage-sama promises to button her top up all the way so they don't fall out again." Shikamaru said.

"That's a relief." Temari sighed. "How are the bra negotiations going?"

"She says she'll die first, but we've gotten her to close up her top so it's a start." Shikamaru said.

Shizune leaned against the chair, "Okay . . . I'm going to sneak in there and steal her fan, then you can kick her butt." She told Ino.

"Heck yeah! Wait, do you really think I can take her? She's a Jounin!" Ino said.

Shizune smiled warmly, "Of course you can! You're a Knohoa ninja, you'll do very well."

Plus Shizune didn't _care _one way or the other . . . so long as Ino distracted Temari long enough for her to get the fan to the Akatsuki.

"Okay . . . so when do we act?"

Shizune thought for a moment, "Okay, okay, now's as good a time as any. You just jump out and distract Temari, I'll snatch the fan and run, you take her down."

"Got'cha! And Shizune-sama . . . why are you helping me?"

"Why do you care if Temari and Shikamaru like each other?" Shizune shot back.

"Touche. Very well, we keep our reasons to ourselves. No one ever knows we worked together, we keep it quiet, right?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Get out there and create a distraction!" Shizune cried.

"Yes ma'am!" Ino cried, and she leapt out.

"So then I tell Naruto 'it's called a Chuunin exam, not a-oh hello Ino." Shikamaru said cheerfully.

"I don't get it." Temari frowned, "Oh! Ino. Hi. What do you want now?"

"Your head on a pike, you blond temptress!" Ino cried.

Temari sighed and stood up to accept the challenge, but Shizune sprang forward and snatched the fan! She then dashed as Ino leapt at Temari.

She didn't stick around to find out how it all ended. She didn't _care_, not in the least . . .

But she'd put her money on Temari.

* * *

Deidara stood, burning up and slightly annoyed, at the drop off point.

Tobi was still "playing" with the pig, but Deidara figured this shouldn't be so difficult as to require two Akatsuki members.

But man was it hot! That fan better be huge!

As expected, the Hokage's skinny assistant showed up, and Deidara was pleased to see that she did not have a bottle of liquor.

"Okay, I've got your fan!" She cried, throwing a huge black . . . log or something at Deidara.

Even with one hand the assassin was capable of catching the thing. Deidara examined it and sighed. "Were your parents blood relatives?"

"Uh . . . I don't think so." Shizune said. "I take it you don't like the fan?"

"Well in all fairness it _is _a fan . . . yeah." Deidara said.

"Well there you go, I want my baby back."

"Problem is . . . I'm a villain, I don't _care _about fairness . . . yeah. And besides, how'm I supposed to cool off with this?"

"Well you can make your henchmen fan you." Shizune pointed out.

"I don't really _have _henchmen. I mean there's Tobi but that's it."

"Well then you're not a very cool villain then, are you?" Shizune pointed out slyly.

Deidara scowled, "What do you know? You know nothing! And . . . and Tobi's a good henchmen even if he is a little weird . . . yeah! Like a really dopey little brother! Anyway this fan doesn't cut it, not by a long shot! You want your pig back you bring us . . ." Deidara had an odd thought.

There wasn't much left to want from Konoha, but there was one thing that Deidara wouldn't mind. "I want a picture of that masked guy's face. You know, the one with the eye. Take off his mask and bring me a picture of his face . . . yeah. In fact bring me the mask too, I want it . . . yeah."

"Uh . . . how'm I gonna do that?"

"Well I'm not asking you two do anything that might compromise your values, even though a cool villain would . . . yeah. Hmm . . . on second thought I _do _want you to compromise your values 'cause I _am _a cool villain, no matter what you say . . . yeah."

"No, no, no, nothing like that. I mean how do I get a picture of his face even if I did get his mask off?"

"That's you're problem . . . yeah." Deidara shrugged.

"Well fine . . . but after I get the mask do you promise I'll get my piggy back?"

"And a picture . . . yeah." Deidara reminded.

"Fine, whatever." Shizune said. "But I get the piggy back after that right?"

"I said 'yeah' didn't I?" Deidara demanded.

"But you say that all the time . . . yeah." Shizune said.

"Are you mocking me?" Deidara demanded.

". . . yeah." Shizune admitted.

Deidara scowled, "Fine, just for that the piggy gets it . . . yeah."

"No, please!" Shizune wailed.

"Then bring me the mask and the picture!" Deidara demanded, "You've got just two days, then I get bored, blast the pig and leave . . . yeah."

"Don't you worry, I'll get you what you want, just don't hurt my Tonton until then!"

Deidara sighed. How many more times could the Hokage's nitwit assistant screw up such simple requests?

**To Be Continued . . .**


End file.
